May 23, 2010

Feeling All Types of Ways

So first and foremost losing weight is truly HARD!!!!  Like I been knew this but I felt like I should get that main thought out of my head before I ramble on.  I really just don't understand how it is so easy to gain but so hard to lose ugh!!!!!  I feel as though I have been fighting this uphill battle my whole life (because I have) and the people around me (outside of my family circle) do not understand my pain.

I have always been a bigger girl but back in high school I lost like 50 or so pounds and became this different person lol.  I was BEAUTIFUL and people started to notice it because of my weight loss.  While I kept my weight off all through high school because I was active and when I seen that I was gaining weight I would just stop eating or something.  As soon as I started college that is when I started yo-yoing like it was my job.  I would pick up during school and then lose it when I went home for the summer and I did this for 4 years straight until I went to grad school and just got tired of dieting and exercising.  So while I was in grad school I wasn't too concern about my weight, only when I went home for holidays.  Though I gave up on dieting I was still uncomfortable in my skin and I think I avoided home because I knew people would talk about my weight gain.

Then finally last December God showed me that I needed to get it together and that is when it dawn on me.... I need to be healthy for me and no one else and if the pounds shed then they shed.  I turned over a knew leaf and started investing in my life.  Like I enjoy learning about healthy foods and exercising.  I love trying new workouts and know I have to get some form of exercise in my life or just won't feel right.  Before I left Missouri to go home I felt like a new woman.  I worked hard to get where I am right now and I really don't want to turn around....

So now you are probably asking why is she writing this LONG blog.....  Well right now I am feeling all types of ways because I am not feeling pretty right now and I am feeling FAT (yes I said that horrible word).  I feel like you all have only seen the positive side of my weight loss journey because I am hiding the other side from you and also from myself.  But God opened my eyes yesterday and is revealing to me that not only do I need to work on my healthy lifestyle, I need to work on my confidence as well.

Yesterday I should have known something was going to go down because I just wasn't feeling it at all.  My mother and I did some errands and she was like "go get you some pants at Lane Bryant".  So you know I was pumped like yea I can see what size I am and maybe I would look a little better in some of the clothes they have......... WRONG!!!!  So I did go down a size in Lane Bryant's pants but when I was trying on the clothes I just felt so ugly and fat.  Like I just felt like a short chubby person trying on clothes.  I mean this really didn't affect my mood because I thought to myself, you know its just how Lane Bryant cuts their clothes, they really don't think about the short person with curves that much.  So I left the store with some confidence.

Well that same day I was invited to a girl's graduation party that I went to high school with but something told me not to go.  So I was at home doing my hair and was just planning for a day of relaxation.... WRONG!!!!!!  My friend called me and asked me if I would go with her and I was like sure why not.....  Ok so I knew I would run into some folks from high school at this party but most of them would be younger than me so I wasn't really nervous about going (I was but really didn't care).  So for my outfit I put on some skinny jeans that I just brought and a vest.... I wasn't feeling great but I was like hey the outfit will do.

The party was really nice but like I said I really didn't know most of the people so I was just sitting there.    While I was there I was talking to the people I came with and this is where everything went downhill!!!!!! My exboyfriend and his girl friend walks in and I felt so uncomfortable and ready to go.... Ok I know me an my ex have not been together for like 5 years now but it was just seeing him with his girl and me feeling like this HUGE balloon who was still single and was basically single since I was with him.... I just didn't want to make eye contact with him at all.

Like why am I feeling this why ya'll?!  Like I probably don't even cross his mind..... but I had to leave.... I felt so uncomfortable and ugly, and I am still feeling this way.  Now I just keeping that I wish I would have never gained all this weight, I wish I could erase my past, I wish I had more confidence. I wish, I wish, I wish......

Sorry about this post but I had to write something to get some of these feelings out of me.


  1. I can relate to weight balloned up in college starting freshman year and now I am struggling to start losing it... With my schedule, it is a challenge but at the end of the day, I know not to become depressed or let things get to me because if it happens, it will because I made it happen...

    You only live life you have to live for the will lose the weight...

  2. HB this is Wineona. You are doing great and everyday you keep making progress to your goal. Everything happens for a reason and sometimes we all wish we were not in this struggle to get the pounds off. It is an uphill battle everyday, just like most things in this life. We all have moments when we feel less than beautiful but keep it at a moment. You are a child of God and you can do this. You have all the tools you need. STOP the pity party, pick yourself up because the pity party will not help you get where you wish to be.

    Don't let anyone still your JOY! You saw your ex and assumed he was happy, his life was great. You don't know his deal. So, you are single, if a relationship is what you want pray for God to send you what you need skip what you want (it is not always good for you). But you have to be ready to accept him in your life so use this time to get you to where you wish to be. If someone loves you unconditional they accept you as you and support your goals. Girl look in that mirrow and tell yourself - YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL and Thank God for all his blessings!

    You know I look for inspiration from you everyday!