Feeling All Types of Ways

So first and foremost losing weight is truly HARD!!!!  Like I been knew this but I felt like I should get that main thought out of my head before I ramble on.  I really just don't understand how it is so easy to gain but so hard to lose ugh!!!!!  I feel as though I have been fighting this uphill battle my whole life (because I have) and the people around me (outside of my family circle) do not understand my pain.

I have always been a bigger girl but back in high school I lost like 50 or so pounds and became this different person lol.  I was BEAUTIFUL and people started to notice it because of my weight loss.  While I kept my weight off all through high school because I was active and when I seen that I was gaining weight I would just stop eating or something.  As soon as I started college that is when I started yo-yoing like it was my job.  I would pick up during school and then lose it when I went home for the summer and I did this for 4 years straight until I went to grad school and just got tired of dieting and exercising.  So while I was in grad school I wasn't too concern about my weight, only when I went home for holidays.  Though I gave up on dieting I was still uncomfortable in my skin and I think I avoided home because I knew people would talk about my weight gain.

Then finally last December God showed me that I needed to get it together and that is when it dawn on me.... I need to be healthy for me and no one else and if the pounds shed then they shed.  I turned over a knew leaf and started investing in my life.  Like I enjoy learning about healthy foods and exercising.  I love trying new workouts and know I have to get some form of exercise in my life or just won't feel right.  Before I left Missouri to go home I felt like a new woman.  I worked hard to get where I am right now and I really don't want to turn around....

So now you are probably asking why is she writing this LONG blog.....  Well right now I am feeling all types of ways because I am not feeling pretty right now and I am feeling FAT (yes I said that horrible word).  I feel like you all have only seen the positive side of my weight loss journey because I am hiding the other side from you and also from myself.  But God opened my eyes yesterday and is revealing to me that not only do I need to work on my healthy lifestyle, I need to work on my confidence as well.

Yesterday I should have known something was going to go down because I just wasn't feeling it at all.  My mother and I did some errands and she was like "go get you some pants at Lane Bryant".  So you know I was pumped like yea I can see what size I am and maybe I would look a little better in some of the clothes they have......... WRONG!!!!  So I did go down a size in Lane Bryant's pants but when I was trying on the clothes I just felt so ugly and fat.  Like I just felt like a short chubby person trying on clothes.  I mean this really didn't affect my mood because I thought to myself, you know its just how Lane Bryant cuts their clothes, they really don't think about the short person with curves that much.  So I left the store with some confidence.

Well that same day I was invited to a girl's graduation party that I went to high school with but something told me not to go.  So I was at home doing my hair and was just planning for a day of relaxation.... WRONG!!!!!!  My friend called me and asked me if I would go with her and I was like sure why not.....  Ok so I knew I would run into some folks from high school at this party but most of them would be younger than me so I wasn't really nervous about going (I was but really didn't care).  So for my outfit I put on some skinny jeans that I just brought and a vest.... I wasn't feeling great but I was like hey the outfit will do.

The party was really nice but like I said I really didn't know most of the people so I was just sitting there.    While I was there I was talking to the people I came with and this is where everything went downhill!!!!!! My exboyfriend and his girl friend walks in and I felt so uncomfortable and ready to go.... Ok I know me an my ex have not been together for like 5 years now but it was just seeing him with his girl and me feeling like this HUGE balloon who was still single and was basically single since I was with him.... I just didn't want to make eye contact with him at all.

Like why am I feeling this why ya'll?!  Like I probably don't even cross his mind..... but I had to leave.... I felt so uncomfortable and ugly, and I am still feeling this way.  Now I just keeping that I wish I would have never gained all this weight, I wish I could erase my past, I wish I had more confidence. I wish, I wish, I wish......

Sorry about this post but I had to write something to get some of these feelings out of me.